Where There’s “Should,” There’s Shame

“I should get up.” 

“I should make more money.” 

“I should be married by now.” 

“I should stop scrolling.” 

“I should take the job.” 

“I should eat less. Or I should eat more.” 

“I should go to the gym.” 

These should statements, and many more, are often the basis of so much of our decision making day in and day out. Imagine you’re sitting at your favorite restaurant. The server comes over after seeing you’re nearly finished and offers you the dessert menu. You respond with the all-so-common, “Oh, I shouldn’t.” Why is that? Who says? If you were full, you’d likely say you’re not hungry enough. If you’re not a sweets person, you’d politely decline because dessert is not something you enjoy. Saying you shouldn’t have dessert suggests that there is a right or a wrong choice, here. That to look at the menu or even order a sweet treat would be wrong and to decline would be the right thing.

We aren’t born like this. When we are little, we do not consider that we’ve already cried to be fed 3 times and shouldn’t bother our mom one more time. We teach young children very black and white boundaries to keep them safe and because this is what their developing brains can retain. For example, we teach that it is right to look both ways before crossing the street, it is wrong to hit your brother, etc. As we age and grow our lives become more complex. So do our minds and so do the choices we face.

Brené Brown differentiates guilt and shame like this: guilt is the feeling that “I did something bad.” This is attached to a behavior. Shame is the feeling that “I am bad.” A statement of identity. So let’s take a look at a few of the statements above and consider the messaging that may be happening unknowingly.

“I should go to the gym.” -> Story underneath: good people exercise, bad people don’t.

“I should stop scrolling.” -> Story underneath: good people spend less time on their phones, bad people scroll.

“I should wake up early.” -> Story Underneath: good people are early risers, bad people sleep in.

Should is judgy. Every should that we feel suggests we are doing something wrong and the thing we should do, if done, would make us good, keep us in right standing, or maintain a position of status. What if we consider that these choices we are faced with are neutral. Today, I’m going to go exercise at the gym. Tomorrow I’m not. Neither activity is right or wrong. Good or bad. Just neutral, and more importantly, completely separate from your inherent goodness as a living, breathing, worthy of love and care, human being. Your choice to go to the gym, rise early, eat dessert, or decline the job has nothing to do with your worthiness.

What if we consider questions like “does it feel good,” “does the outcome of this choice support my goals” or “is this within my value system?” This is all that really matters, here. As soon as we take our goodness out of the equation, “should” cannot survive. What’s left is variable preferences, individual instincts, and a much kinder, more loving inner world.